Mediocre Ambitions are the Best Ambitions

Mediocre Ambitions are the Best Ambitions

It’s almost that special time of the year; when teachers selfishly assign copious amounts of work, mental breakdowns are at an all time high, stress eating is widespread, and students everywhere consider the necessity of a college education. Finals week is slowly sneaking up and children everywhere are unaware of impending sleep deprivation combined with last minute cram sessions. What everyone is oblivious to, is that there’s a way to avoid all this urgency, while still getting a speechless response from your parents regarding your grades. Finals are a universal annoyance, administered by the schools. They’re a sorry attempt to evaluate the information we learned from months of institutionalized academic study; however, the best way to rebel against the school system and ruin your future, is to fail these tests.

Step #1- Procrastinate as much as possible; the less sleep, combined with the questionable glances from concerned family members will undoubtedly ruin whatever self esteem you have left! A common problem the average overachiever has conquered is avoiding procrastination, getting things done as soon as they’re assigned, leading to better grades and lower stress levels. However, the correct way to go about failing your exams and possibly your classes is to procrastinate on all final essays/projects. To do this accurately it’s best if you push all assignments to at least 10 pm the night before they’re due. For those people who work best under pressure, start earlier...say eight.

Step #2- When cramming on final essays and projects it’s best if you put forth minimal effort, working hard and striving for self improvement through academics is overrated. While working, thoughts of hostility may occur, and surely your parents will begin to threaten the security of your college fund. Just remember that the less time you spend working hard, the more time can be spent binge watching netflix, abandoning self hygiene, and researching the legitimacy of being a trophy wife/husband. After interviewing a recent high school dropout whose occupation is the selling of medical marijuana (he’s a drug dealer) he said, “I put less than minimal effort into everything I did, not only did I fail almost all my classes, I was also sent to Juvie where I learned valuable lessons such as picking locks, hotwiring cars, and the institutionalized despotism held by guards stemming from a fractured home life and an unquenched thirst for control.”

Step #3- This is the most rebellious of the steps. What I suggest as your third step is to gather all your exam review papers, light them on fire while video taping it, then promptly send it to all your teachers to let them know you mean business. Although I suggest your face isn't seen, and it's sent from an anonymous source, because although rare, some teachers may interpret this as a threat. While this step really isn’t completely practical, it does exonerate you from the temptation of reviewing for finals, and I also hear it’s a cheap form of therapy.

Step #4- If possible make all important teachers despise you (not all of them because you may need a testimony from someone who likes you). The reasoning for this is because either they will give you a more difficult test, or they’ll grade your exam harsher. While there are numerous ways to go about this, I strongly

...